It Even Cuts Julian Fries!
by Patches
Summary: Take five broken Gundams. Replace them with rentals. Add one wacky plot, a few tablespoons of obsessiveness, and a dash of insanity. Let simmer. Serves 10,000. This product contains no artificial characters and is 100 percent yaoi free.


**...It Even Cuts Julian Fries!**

* * *

  
Heero yawned as he easily dispatched another throng of Leos. The base he had been sent to destroy was manned by a bunch of inexperienced soldiers who were falling all over each other more than they were shooting at him.

He unceremoniously brought Wing's gun up to finish off the batch of Leos, but the control suddenly jerked, sputtered, and locked. "Um?" was all he could think of to say. He punched a few buttons, but the Gundam didn't respond. He finally reached down and tried turning the ignition key a few times, but all the big suit did was sputter.

Heero realized that this technical difficulty made him a sitting duck. However, when he looked up, the rookie Leo pilots had already managed to bumble around enough to blow each other up. Well, that was one less thing to worry about.

Suddenly, Dr. J's image flashed onto his viewscreen. "I had a feeling this would happen to you sooner or later, Heero," he said. "Don't you know that your Gundam needs a tune-up every 100,000 miles? You're way overdue." Heero, of course, did not know this, because like any other self-respecting man, he never read the owner's manual.

"Anyway," said Dr. J, "you should get your Gundam to Al's Mobile Suit Body Shop right away. He's got a good deal that comes with a free oil change and a wash."

Once Dr. J's image had blipped out, Heero pounded his head on the control panel a few times.

* * *

Naturally, by some weird coincidence, the other four Gundam pilots had their Gundams brought in for a tune-up at the same time and place as Heero. Al, of course, was shocked to have five customers at once. He scratched his head and surveyed his project. "Since there's so many at once, it'll take me a week to have them all ready."

Heero pulled a gun on him. "You'd better have it ready not a minute later than that." He then returned the gun to that mysterious place he stores firearms.

"You weakling!" yelled Wufei. "I could have it done in half that time!"

"It's okay. I'm just glad someone is around who can give my Gundam the necessary tune-up," said Quatre.

"But what are we going to do until then?" asked Duo. "OZ is still out there, whether we are or not." Trowa stayed silent.

"Well," said Al, "all I can do is tune up your mobile suits. In the meantime, why don't you check out Rent-a-Gundam down the street? That should help."

The five gave him a weird look for a moment, then made a mad dash for the door.

* * *

"Ya wanna rent a Gundam? Well too bad! I'm fresh out," said the clerk at Rent-a-Gundam.

"Well, any sort of mobile suit will probably do," said Quatre. "Please, can you help us?"

"Nope," said the clerk. "I'm all rented out for the next three months. All I got left are my own personal favorite machines. But they're my babies! You can't have them!"

Heero pulled out a gun again. "Oh yes we can. Give them to us."

The clerk looked down the barrel of the gun and grinned nervously. "Okay, you convinced me. Follow me." With that, he led the five to a large shed behind Rent-a-Gundam. He slid open the giant doors and flipped on the light. "Remember," he reminded, "this is all I got left."

Five pairs of eyes went wide.

Heero coughed. "You have got to be kidding me..."

* * *

Treize yawned as he tossed another paper airplane at the wastebasket. His life had suddenly become rather boring with the sudden disappearance of all five Gundams. He had played solitaire on his computer for a few hours, and now was just watching the screensaver and throwing paper airplanes around the room.

He therefore failed to notice the reflection in the screen of the flying toaster circling around outside.

"Go, Gundam Scorchbread!" shouted Wufei. Two jets of flame shot out of the slits of his toaster Gundam, burning all the guard mobile suits to a crisp.

"Your excellency!" came a voice over the intercom in Treize's office. "We're being attacked by a giant toaster! No, sir, make that a giant toaster and a can opener!"

Treize rubbed his temples and switched the intercom off. He really wasn't in the mood for pranks like this, and went back to making paper airplanes.

Outside, reinforcement Leos and Aries had arrived to join the heated battle. By this time, they faced not only a toaster and can opener, but a beater, blender, and salad shooter as well.

"Go Cutlid!" shouted Quatre as he flew his can opener through a mass of OZ mobile suits, piercing through all of them.

"Don't underestimate the power of Cakemix," said Trowa calmly, as he efficiently weaved his beater between a number of Aries, shredding them to pieces.

On Duo's side of the battle, things were getting pretty ugly. "Meet Gundam Frappe. Prepare to be mulched!" he said. After a few more rounds, he had a nice big Leo and Aries shake concocted in his blender.

And last but not least was Heero in his salad shooter. "Okay, let's see what Gundam... Salad Shooter... can do!" He paused to reflect that this Gundam had an even less creative name than his old one did.

The base was destroyed quite easily, as most of the soldiers were reluctant to fight giant kitchen appliances. Treize miraculously emerged unscathed and completely calm as ever once again. It looked like this new Gundam threat had pulled his life out of the doldrums, so he summoned Lady Une to discuss their next tactic.

* * *

Elsewhere, Zechs and Noin were faced with their own dilemma.

"What kind of soldier am I?" mourned Zechs. "I have been given a task far too great for me to successfully complete. I can think of no course of action!" He pounded his head on the table.

"Whoa, Zechs, take it easy!" said Noin. "I'm sure we'll think of something. But you're right. This is a really big problem. I can't think of anything, either."

Zechs sighed and shook his head. "The OZ potluck is only three days away and we have absolutely nothing to bring!"

"I know," agreed Noin. "How in the world are we going to make a salad big enough to feed a thousand soldiers?"

Just when it seemed like all hope was lost, the phone rang. Noin picked it up and received the shocking news about the latest Gundam attack. After this information was passed along to Zechs, an idea began concocting itself under that mask of his.

"A giant salad shooter, you say?" said Zechs. "Noin, do you know what this means? We're saved! If we could just get our hands on that Gundam..."

"I understand, sir!" said Noin. She immediately ran to relay the necessary orders to detain the Gundam Salad Shooter the next time it was seen.

* * *

Although they didn't seem like it, the five Gundams were very efficient tools of destruction. The very next day, they were spotted in various areas around the world, wreaking havoc. Heero was especially getting to like his new Gundam. He could shred any enemy mobile suit that got near him, then shoot out the pieces at other obstacles. Plus, he could make a nutritious snack whenever he wanted. It was much more practical than Wing. Unpredictable, intimidating, and nutritious. The perfect fighting machine.

Heero came across Duo as he made his way back from his latest mission. Duo was not nearly as impressed with his new Gundam, Frappe, as Heero was with Salad Shooter.

"Yeah, this one's an okay replacement," Duo admitted, "but I'll be happy to get good ol' Deathscythe back. How about you?"

Heero said nothing for a moment. "Actually... I kind of like this one better," he finally said.

"What?!" yelled Duo, his blender faltering a moment. "What could possibly be so great about a big cucumber-cutter that you'd rather have it than your old Gundam?"

"Because..." said Heero, "It slices, it dices, AND..." he made a dramatic pause, "it even cuts Julian Fries!!" Heero had never even heard of Julian Fries until his Gundam made some for him, and he had become hopelessly addicted. "Did your old Gundam ever have a meal waiting for you at the end of a hard work day?" Heero reasoned. "I highly doubt Deathscythe can cook!"

Duo growled. "How dare you! I'll show you! As soon as I get my Deathscythe back, I'll show you it can cook!"

Heero laughed maniacally and produced a basket of Julian Fries. "Nothing can beat Salad Shooter's fries!" He then stuffed some into his mouth and flew off, still laughing.

He didn't get very far before momentarily choking on one.

* * *

Treize located Lady Une sitting in her room, staring blankly into space. He waved a hand in front of her face and got no reaction.

"Uh, Une?" No response. "Une, I need to talk to you."

After a moment, Une finally responded. "I'm sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment. Please leave a message at the tone, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeeeeep..."

Treize shook her shoulders. "Une, wake up! Hello? Earthsphere to Lady Une!"

"Ooh, pretty flowers and clouds on such a bright sunshiney day and it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." Une babbled.

Treize sighed and pulled out Une's glasses, in which she stored most of her sanity. He put them on her, and she immediately snapped out of it.

"Oh, uh, your Excellency, sir! What can I do for you?"

Treize smiled coolly and pulled out some pictures. "We seem to have a new Gundam threat on our hands. Don't be deceived by their unwieldy appearances. They are actually quite dangerous."

Une studied them a moment. "You're not kidding about appearances. They all look like big, colorful blobs."

Treize coughed. "Well, that's because we don't have any photographs of them yet, so I had to draw them myself using the information I was given."

Une held one of the pictures out and rotated it a couple times. "Shouldn't you have gotten one of the drafters to do it? I mean, not that I don't like it. It's a lovely crayon drawing. But still, I can't really tell what it is."

Treize took the pictures back. "We're up against a giant salad shooter, blender, beater, can opener, and toaster, all made from Gundanium," he explained, pointing at every picture as he listed them off.

"Ohhhhh..." said Une, sort of understanding. Perhaps she wasn't the only one who suffered from the occasional mental problems.

"Anyway," said Treize, "I think I know how to fight them. Come with me."

Une followed Treize to the hangars where the OZ mobile suits were kept. He opened a secret door behind one of them leading to a secret hangar and a secret mobile suit.

"So," said Une, "what are we going to use to fight them? Judging by what you said, they seem to have everything."

"Perhaps they do have everything. Everything..." He paused, flipping on the lights to reveal the secret mobile suit. "...but the kitchen sink!"

* * *

Off in yet another remote part of the world, Trowa and Quatre fought together to destroy yet another OZ supply base. However, when their task neared completion, Quatre suddenly stopped fighting. Trowa was slightly confused by this, but finished off the remaining mobile suits before inquiring into his behavior.

Quatre sighed. "I just realized how heartless this all is. By using this can opener Gundam, I have come to realize what a can goes through right before the end."

Trowa sat silently, looking in Quatre's direction blankly until he finally replied. "So?"

"So," said Quatre, "this Gundam is mauling the enemy mobile suits the same way a can opener mauls a can. I'm brutally ripping these huge mobile suits to pieces. But they're dangerous enemies, so it's justifiable. But those poor, defenseless cans that have to go through the same thing..." he trailed off.

Trowa gave a flat look. "Quatre, they're cans. Get over it."

"How can you say such things?!" cried Quatre. "Cans never did anything to be treated like this! I believe that receiving this Gundam was a sign. I am destined to be the defender of canned foods everywhere!" He pointed Cutlid's sharp edge to the sky in a semi-dramatic pose (as dramatic as a can opener can look).

Trowa sighed. "Well, I haven't gotten anything like that out of this Gundam. I don't happen to like it at all."

"Why not?" asked Quatre. "Does its brutality in mixing things offend you?"

"No," said Trowa, shaking his head in annoyance. "When I was little, I tried to make a cake. But when I tried to lick the extra batter off the beater without unplugging it, well, the result wasn't pretty. I've used a spoon to do all my mixing ever since."

Quatre nodded, sympathetic. "How ironic. Electric mixers are your mortal enemy, yet you end up piloting one." He turned around and prepared to leave. "But, if you'll excuse me, there are cans in need of help." With that, he flew off.

Trowa lightly pounded his head on the the console, but accidentally hit the button that turned on the beaters, and soon he found himself tangled in a mass of trees.

"Foo."

* * *

And, somewhere, in the middle of nowhere and all by himself, Wufei was meditating on top of his Gundam, when he had a sudden revelation.

"I'm fighting in a giant toaster..... I'm fighting in a giant toaster!"

Finally, the absolute idiocy of the present situation was becoming apparent to at least one person.

"I'M FIGHTING IN A GIANT TOASTER!"

* * *

Sneak sneak sneak.

Zechs was on a secret mission to apprehend the elusive Gundam known as Salad Shooter, and he was currently trying to find a way to put his plan into action. However, he realized that he could not ask Treize or any other OZ member for help, for then they might realize that he was trying to cheat in his duties involving the potluck.

He slid silently through the bushes and behind trees, Noin following. She was the only one he could trust, and she had agreed to pitch in on the mission. However, he was going to need more than just her help.

Zechs stopped suddenly and turned to Noin, pressing a finger to his lips to indicate silence. Noin nodded in understanding. A moment passed, and Zechs was still looking expectantly at her.

Noin blinked in confusion. "Huh? Oh, right. Sorry." She turned off the _Mission: Impossible_ music that she had been playing while they were sneaking around. "By the way, what are we sneaking around for?"

"This is a devious plan to bring the best dish to the potluck," Zechs explained. "A devious plan requires stealth and suspicion. But at the moment, we have no reason to be suspicious, so I'm sneaking around trying to find something to sneak around for."

"O....kay..." said Noin. "Well, sir, because of the nature of these new Gundams, fighting them in conventional mobile suits would be useless. I suggest we try to find a different kind of mobile suit; one that could stand up to their power."

Zechs sulked. "But I like Tallgeese, even though it has a weird name. And Epyon is just cool and evil-looking."

Noin coughed a word that sounded something like "continuity", since Epyon probably didn't even exist at this point. But given this story's nature, do we really care? However, since she coughed the word, it wasn't entirely clear, so she just as well might have coughed "convoluted." Which I guess could also make sense, since this story _is_ rather twisted. But I digress (psh. Digress from what?).

Zechs consequently condemned my convoluted conversation concerning continuity concepts (^_^*) and returned to the matter at hand. "I remember Treize mentioning that OZ was storing a number of specialized mobile suits in a secret hangar."

"That doesn't help much," said Noin. "OZ has hundreds of bases around the world. It could be anywhere!"

"Yes, but for plot purposes, the hangar we need conveniently happens to be the building we're hiding behind."

Noin looked up, and sure enough, the sign on the door read "Top Secret Mobile Suit Hangar: Do Not Enter. Violators Will Have Their Cable TV Cut."

"Zechs, are you sure we should go in there? That's a pretty harsh punishment."

"We must!" Zechs exclaimed. "The OZ potluck is depending on it!"

* * *

One usually does not expect to see a flying sink during his or her lifetime. Yet, such was the spectacle as Lady Une took Gundam Inundator for a test drive. The Gundam's main weapon was a high-pressure water cannon that could punch a hole through steel. It also had a killer garbage disposal for close-range combat.

However, during this test flight, she never expected to actually run into one of the Gundams. But, as luck would have it, Duo was in the area along with his Gundam Frappe.

"Aha!" said Une. "Now to see how this machine stands up to a real combat!" She had to admit, though, she had had her doubts about Treize's report about the appliance Gundams. But now that she had seen the blender, the report was confirmed.

Duo, however, was too absorbed in remembering how Heero had insulted Deathscythe to notice the giant sink until a jet of water clipped his right side.

He looked up and smirked. "Oh, so it's a battle he w... Wha?!" Duo was rather startled at the fact that his opponent was a sink. He barely made it out of the way as another jet of water shot past him, pulverizing the surrounding landscape.

"Drat, I can't get near it with that water jet," he said to himself. "And this Gundam is only good for close-range combat. Man, I wish I had Deathscythe back!"

Lady Une's image blipped onto his viewscreen. "Surrender, Gundam pilot! I have you outmatched!"

Duo shrugged. "You can have the Gundam. It's a piece of junk, anyway." With that, he leapt out of the cockpit and made a tactical retreat. "I'm going to find Deathscythe."

* * *

Getting into the Top Secret Mobile Suit Hangar was quite simple, as Zechs still carried his VIPOZID (or "Very Important Person Organization of Zodiac Identification," to clear up all those acronyms). There was a lot riding on this mission for the big salad; a mission which Zechs had named "Operation Crouton". If he succeeded, he would impress everyone in OZ with his gargantuan salad, and be the hero of the potluck. However, if he failed, he could kiss his pay channels goodbye.

He slid open the second secret hangar door, and was greeted by a dazzling spectacle:

The empty space where Gundam Inundator used to be.

"Blast!" he muttered.

Noin saluted. "Sir, this is an uncut story. Therefore, we have permission to say 'damn', 'kill', 'die', and are also allowed to bleed."

"Oh. Well, then, damn!" He then grumbled to himself. "People in all the other Toonami shows are allowed to bleed during their afternoon runs, but WE have to hold it in until midnight..."

"Zechs, sir!" Noin called out. "There's something else in this hangar!" She pointed at a large object in the back, discreetly covered with a tablecloth. But considering it was a mobile suit, this did little to hide it.

"That's..." Zechs said in awe, "...the ultimate specialized Gundam!"

Noin cocked her head and looked the unwieldy thing over. "How so?"

"Don't you see?" Zechs pointed out. "The others have a toaster, can opener, mixer, blender, and salad shooter. All are commonplace cooking utensils. However, this... THIS goes beyond commonplace! It even goes beyond the kitchen! The marvel we are looking at is none other than... Charmeat, the grill Gundam! With its wide range of accessories, I'll have no problem defeating and capturing that salad shooter!"

Noin scratched her head. "Well, if you've got this, who needs a salad shooter? You could make the world's largest shish-kebobs instead."

Zechs glared at her. "Operation Crouton calls for a SALAD! I already have my mission set on a salad, and with this, I will finally get that salad!" Having declared that, he leapt into Charmeat's cockpit and took off in search of his target.

* * *

Meanwhile, Treize was back to business in trying to gain support for his OZ organization. Une's sweet talk was going well with the politicians, but a different approach was needed for the general masses.

Therefore, he had set forth an all-out ad campaign to promote OZ. This included merchandise such as OZ water bottles, T-shirts, and little mobile suit-shaped plush dolls. Plus, OZ brand cereal and macaroni noodles were in the works.

Treize flipped on the TV just in time to catch the latest pro-OZ commercial. It began with a little hand puppet of himself popping up and talking in a sickeningly cute voice.

"Hey, kids, you remember how the Alliance was mean and wouldn't share, right?" it said. A throng of offscreen kids shouted affirmatives. At this point, a puppet Alliance soldier appeared, holding a big bag. There was a round of "boo"s. The Treize puppet pulled out a stick and whacked the soldier puppet, then took its bag. All the children cheered.

"If you follow Treize, the Wonderful Wizard of OZ, then you can have all sorts of stuff to share!" The Treize puppet then opened the bag and tossed out handfuls of candy. It then waved at the screen while a chorus of kids started singing "We're off to see the Wonderful Wizard of OZ!" It ended with a logo of a yellow brick road and the slogan "Follow the road to OZ."

Treize flipped off the TV and sighed. Although it seemed to be a successful ad, he was rather embarrassed to be depicted as a puppet known as "The Wizard of OZ".

"Sir!" came a message over the intercom. It was Une. "The Gundam known as Frappe has been abandoned. I am requesting backup troops to help capture it."

"I'll send them right away," replied Treize. Those new Gundams had to be dealt with, for they symbolized..... something.... But whatever is was, it couldn't be good.

* * *

Elsewhere, Heero was in the middle of the forest building an altar to Julian fries out of potato wedges. Well, he was trying to, but little forest creatures kept coming out and eating parts of it.

"Curse you, forest creatures!" Heero shouted. "How dare you desecrate such a holy object! I condemn you all!"

At that point, Duo came walking out of the woods into the clearing. "Um, who are you talking to, Heero?"

Heero shushed him. "Quiet! This is a holy place! It is here that I have decided to erect an altar to the god of Julian fries!"

Duo peeked around behind Heero. "What altar?"

"What do you mean 'what a-' AAAAHHH! My altar is gone! You fool! Wile you were distracting me, the forest creatures ate my altar!" Heero climbed back into Salad Shooter to get more potato wedges, and maybe some fries to calm him down. They had such a soothing effect...

Duo shook his head and sighed. "You know, buddy, you need some serious help. One day you'll learn the hard way that this fry obsession is ruining you." And with that tidbit of foreshadowing, Duo headed towards Al's Mobile Suit Body Shop to get Deathscythe back.

Heero emerged from Salad Shooter, his eyes glowing red. "So... he declared himself an enemy of Julian fries. Well, in that case, I'll have to destroy him." He then began laughing maniacally, but stopped suddenly, smacking his forehead. "Kill him. I'll KILL him, that's right." With that cleared up, he continued laughing well into the night.

* * *

"When you buy boxed food, you save a can!" Quatre proclaimed, standing in front of a major supermarket. Most people gave him a wide berth. Maybe it was because he was preaching about saving cans, or maybe it was because he was dressed as a sardine.

"It's scary in there!" shouted Quatre, indicating a can of soup. "So dark and compacted, with no air at all! Plus," he added emphatically, "look at the sharp edges on this lid. It's dangerous! Yes, I believe we should all protect cans and buy food in boxes or jars!"

Trowa was nonchalantly standing off to the side. After listening to Quatre's speech for the past few hours, he finally decided he's had enough. He walked up to Quatre and tapped him on the fin.

"Quatre, you don't really have much of an argument," he reasoned.

"Of course I do!" retorted Quatre. "This is a very worthwhile cause!"

Trowa shook his head and held up a finger. "First of all, cans are compacted and airless so that no contaminants get in. Food lasts longer that way. It's a safety measure. Secondly," he said, motioning to Quatre's costume, "you don't open a sardine can with a can opener, anyway, so that outfit doesn't do much for you. And as for your last argument, they've already invented a can opener that cuts a smooth edge on a can, leaving it with a replaceable lid." To prove his point, he held out just such a can opener. "Don't you watch infomercials?"

Quatre fingered the contraption. "I see. I guess this really wasn't worthwhile after all. So, there's only one thing to do..."

Trowa nodded, sure that this meant that Quatre had given up his ridiculous ambition.

However, Quatre suddenly grabbed the revolutionary can opener, his eyes getting all shiny. "This means that... Gundam Cutlid needs an upgrade! It doesn't nearly meet these safety standards!"

"Huh?!" Trowa fell over. "What's the point of a safe weapon?!" But Quatre didn't hear him. He had already flown off in Cutlid to install the latest in safety equipment.

Trowa turned and looked out of the screen (?) at whoever was reading/writing this. "Is this story going _anywhere_?" he wondered.

* * *

Wufei, of course, wasn't interacting with any of the other pilots at all. He was too busy "training" Scorchbread to have anything to do with them, not that he would have anything to do with them even if he didn't have an excuse.

"Go, you weakling!" he commanded his Gundam. "Show me that you are worthy of the name Nataku!" Although he admitted that the new Gundam was rather stupid-looking, it might still have some hidden strength. All he had to do was uncover it.

First, he flopped a bag of weights in front of the toaster and ordered it to lift as much weight as possible. Needless to say, the toaster didn't do much. For one thing, it didn't even have any arms with which to lift any weights. Secondly, um, it was just a toaster, after all.

Wufei was nearly fed up with this toaster Gundam thingy. "You weakling!" he shouted, pummeling it with a stick. "Show me your true power!"

However, it just so happened that the sun came out from behind a cloud at that moment, and Wufei was at just the right angle from the toaster to feel the full force of its reflection in his face. "AAARRRGGGGHHH!" he shouted dramatically, covering his eyes. "Such wicked power; the ability to blind enemies, then attack while they are helpless. What sort of honor is that?" And since lack of honor and justice was at the top of Wufei's "Really Bad Stuff" list, he decided that his Gundam Scorchbread must be some sort of demon.

"How dare you mock me, toaster!" he yelled, kicking it. However, when he kicked it, he noticed something inscribed in the bottom. "If you are not 100% satisfied with this product, please return it within 30 days for a full refund," he read. He pounded his fist into his palm. "Of course! I'll just return this thing to Rent-a-Gundam. I'll get my precious Nataku back! And maybe I'll blow the place up, too, since they gave me a really bad deal."

Therefore, Wufei, master businessman, boarded his toaster and took off for the evil place known as Rent-a-Gundam.

* * *

Wufei didn't get very far though. Within a few minutes, he'd run into a grill. A flying grill. The infamous flying grill Gundam known as Charmeat (duhn duhn DUUUUUUHN!). And piloting said Charmeat was the even more infamous pilot Zechs Merquise, also known as Milliardo Peacecraft, also known as the Lightning Count, also known as "That one guy with the long hair and the mask".

"Halt!" Zechs shouted at the approaching toaster. "I'm looking for a salad shooter. Tell me, and I won't fight you."

Wufei shrugged. "Try Wal-Mart or something. I don't know."

"No! I mean a salad shooter Gundam! Like yours!"

"If you hadn't noticed, my Gundam is a toaster," Wufei said. "I don't know anything about a salad shooter."

"Lies!" Zechs shouted. "You leave me no choice but to fight you!"

"Gladly!" Wufei yelled back. "Perhaps this Gundam still has secrets that it can only reveal in a real battle! Let us begin, then!" He made the first attack, shooting jets of flame out of the top of his toaster. But Zechs's grill was very nimble, and dodged the fire easily.

"If I am to beat you fairly, I shall fight fire with fire!" said Zechs. He opened the lid of his grill and increased the grease-to-coal ratio. In no time, he had a giant billow of fire shooting out of the top of his grill. "Let us see who the superior fire-user is!" he exclaimed.

Poor Wufei's toaster was no match for the fire from the grill, and he soon found himself plummeting towards the ground. Wufei wasn't about to die before he got his real Nataku back, so he bailed out of the dying toaster, employing the use of a parachute that looked suspiciously like a slice of bread. He got safely tangled in a tree while the toaster fell into a lake. A great ~ZZZT~ was heard, as toasters are notorious for not behaving well in the water.

Zechs looked down on the electrocuted wreck and pondered to himself. "Well, it's not the Gundam I was looking for, but it's a Gundam nonetheless. It probably would be best to capture it." With that decided, he descended upon the fallen toaster and brought out two pairs of giant tongs with which to pick it up.

Still hung up in the tree, Wufei struggled to get down. He shook an angry fist at the departing Zechs, Scorchbread in tow. "Bad, BAD toaster!"

* * *

Even though Heero had a _slight_ obsession with Julian fries, he had somehow miraculously remembered that he had a mission to accomplish. He wasted no time in taking off and finding a nearby OZ base (well, he delayed for a bit while he was covering his precious altar in plastic wrap to make sure it was protected, but to him, that was hardly a "waste of time"). And now, Salad Shooter was doing what it did best. It was doing plenty of slicing and dicing, but much to Heero's dismay, there were no Julian Fries to be found in this battle.

So, how exactly does a salad shooter fight, you might ask? Why, with processed foods! With the right mixture of garlic, beans, oil, and peanut butter, Heero was able to create a rather potent explosive. He launched the concoction at a pair of Leos, which exploded instantly.

"Hahahahaha!!" Really, Destruction Boy was having far too much fun with this. He quickly made a few razor-sharp cucumber slices and neatly sliced apart his next target. Boom, slice, crash, hahaha, boom, slice.... it was all in a day's work for a Gundam pilot. Yet... Heero suddenly noticed something.

He carefully observed the next pair of Leos he blew up. Their position... the very manner in which they exploded. It all seemed so familiar. He turned around and destroyed another two Leos, which exploded in a suspiciously similar manner.

"What's going on here?!" Heero demanded to know. It was almost like he was destroying the same two Leos over and over again. But that didn't make any sense. Two Leos. Boom. Two Leos. Boom. Two Leos...

"Don't these guys hang out in groups of more than two?!" he wondered aloud. It was getting rather disturbing.

After destroying those same two Leos a few dozen more times, Heero was becoming unable to take stock of his damages. How many mobile suits had he _really_ destroyed? Wait a minute.... Stock? Could it be...?

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Heero shouted. He suddenly realized that he was involved in a battle that was nothing but STOCK FOOTAGE! And we all know that nothing really important happens in any battles that involve large amounts of stock footage. Frustrated out of his mind at the absolute repetitiveness of the situation, Heero flew off in his salad shooter, muttering curses under his breath about lack of originality.

Back on the ground, two nondescript guys were preparing to load the footage again when they saw Heero fly away. "Whoa, what's with him?" Extra Number One wondered. "He always finishes his missions..."

Extra Number Two picked up the script and read it. "Oh, oops, I forgot to turn the page. This battle should have been over nine cycles of footage ago. So, I guess technically, he DID complete this mission, and then some."

"Oh good. I thought that scene would never end," Extra Number One replied, adjusting his OZ uniform. "Well, I gotta get to the next base so I can stand guard in the middle of nowhere and get knocked out."

"Wow, you're so lucky!" Number Two exclaimed. "I just get to be that random guy who salutes to Treize/Zechs/Noin/random Romafeller person."

And since this story has degenerated to the point of following the lives of two nondescript extras, I believe it's high time to move to a slightly more exciting scene.

* * *

Noin was asleep. Perhaps this doesn't seem very exciting to us, but she was having an interesting dream about her old school's halls filled waist-high with empty orange juice cartons. However, that's nothing plot-related, and this scene won't really become plot-related until Zechs shows up. But he should be here in a minute.

Meanwhile, Noin slept on. She slept on an old couch in the Top Secret Mobile Suit Hangar in which they found the Gundam Charmeat. It was a comfy couch. It had some torn seams, and a couple places where it looked like mice had used it has a teething ring, but it was comfy nonetheless. She slept soundly, her eyebrow twitching lightly sometimes.

The clock ticked slowly. Any time now, Zechs. I'm running out of things to kill time with. The floor was made of cement, and was cold and damp. But the couch was nice and comfy warm. I've already mentioned that, though. The ceiling in the room extended up about fifty feet, and the hangar itself was about two hundred feet long. Plenty of room to store top-secret Gundams. There were no windows, and only one small door to get in, aside from the large sliding door through which mobile suits could pass...

*Knock knock knock*. Speaking of the door, that should be Zechs. Much to our dismay, though, this knocking did little to wake Noin. *Knock knock knock*. It really didn't look like she was going to answer that. As much as I hated taking things into my own hands, I finally appeared and answered the door. Of course, it was Zechs.

Zechs was about to walk in, when he noticed who had opened the door. "Uh, who are you?" he wondered.

"A figment of your imagination," I said flatly. "Get in there and continue this story." And thus all memory of my existence was wiped away. Or so I hoped.

"Noin!" Zechs shouted. "I got one! I got a Gundam!"

Noin lazily opened her eyes. "I know you got a Gundam. You got that grill thing or whatever." She yawned emphatically. "I'm starting to think that this mission of yours is a tad crazy."

"Nonsense!" retorted Zechs. "Operation Crouton is a very important mission. But, I mean I caught a Gundam! I caught a Gundam this big!" he exclaimed, spreading his arms wide to indicate that it was indeed quite large. "It's not the one I was looking for, though. I just caught a stupid toaster."

Noin groaned and flopped her pillow over her head. "That's nice. Put it on a plaque and hang it on the wall for all I care. But if you don't want it, just throw it back."

Zechs thought about that. "Well, I can't let Treize and the others get it. They may be able to use a toaster to do many toasterly things which I cannot do with a salad shooter. No one in OZ can have these except me. I WILL being the best dish to the potluck, and I won't let anything stop me!"

Noin, in the meantime, had fallen back to sleep.

* * *

Duo wandered aimlessly. Oh, how long had it been since he last saw his beloved Deathscythe? He would cross hill and dale, river and ocean, search from sea to shining sea, and even go places that weren't cliched to find his Gundam. But no matter where he looked, he couldn't find it. He remembered that he had left it... somewhere. A mysterious and remote place known as Al's Mobile Suit Body Shop. However, Duo had absolutely no idea where it was.

"Don't worry, Deathscythe ol' buddy. The Great Destroyer is coming back for you!"

"GOD OF DEATH!" chorused a bunch of offscreen voices.

Duo looked at his watch. "Eh, it's too early to call myself that. I have to wait about eight hours." He struck a dramatic pose. "Great Destroyer by day! God of Death by night! I am... Duo Maxwell!" There was silence, as a small gust of wind blew some dead leaves past.

"...Whatever..." the offscreen voices said. And then they were gone. Duo, therefore, continued his painstaking search for Deathscythe.

"Deathscythe, my friend. I remember all those good times we had together. I just wish that you were here now..." He had a pastel stillframe flashback of himself and Deathscythe sitting on a dock fishing. Then another of himself and Deathscythe frolicking through a field of flowers. Then an image of himself and Deathscythe making a mess in the kitchen...

That image was interrupted by Heero's voice in his head mockingly saying, "I highly doubt Deathscythe can cook!"

Duo snapped out of his nostalgia trip. "Wait, that's right! Curse you, Heero!" He lowered his eyes and stared menacingly ahead. "Now I MUST get my Deathscythe back. I must prove to Heero that my Gundam is as good a cook as they come. DEATHSCYTHE!" he shouted into the darkness, since it was suddenly dark out. "WHERE ARE YOU?!" He ran frantically off into the night.

Meanwhile, at Al's Mobile Suit Body Shop, Al watched Duo run past for about the fifth time. He sighed and continued polishing Deathscythe's scythe. "Maybe I should tell him that his Gundam is right here. But I want to see if he breaks down and actually asks for directions first."

* * *

Quatre tromped defiantly through the underbrush in his can opener, Trowa sluggishly trudging along behind him in his beater.

"Quatre, where are you going?" Trowa asked wearily.

"To find a safer Gundam! I need a Gundam that will leave clean, hazard-free edges on the mobile suits it cuts up. I want it to leave Leos with replaceable lids!"

Trowa sighed. "And you're expecting to find this in the middle of a field?"

"No!" cried Quatre. "I just need to find a place to store this Gundam where it won't hurt anyone, while I find a suitable replacement."

"Well, if that's the case, I might as well ditch this one there, too, while we're at it." Trowa never liked his Gundam, Cakemix. It was just too... mixed up. Besides, the week was almost up, and HeavyArms was most likely ready by now. He wanted a sense of normalcy returned to his life. Piloting a giant, humanoid metal robot with machine guns for arms would do just the trick.

Suddenly, Quatre pointed his can opener blade ahead of him. "Look! It's perfect! I've found the perfect spot!" He ran frantically towards the thing he saw.

And what did he see? It appeared to be a secret hangar in the middle of nowhere. It was just the right size to store a number of mobile suits, but was out of everyone's way, so no harm would come to the civilian population. What luck!

It just so _happened_, however, that this was the Top Secret Mobile Suit Hangar where Charmeat and Inundator had been found. Noin was still hanging out on the couch, waiting for Zechs to return from the mission (and hopefully, to his senses), when the giant hangar doors opened with the loud *SCREECH* of metal against metal. Noin fell off the couch and looked up just in time to see a can opener come walking in, followed by a beater.

Noin looked up at the two newcomers. "Is... that you, Zechs?" she wondered aloud.

The can opener looked down at her. "Hello, Miss!" said its pilot. These two mobile suits are too dangerous to use, so we were wondering if we could leave them here."

"Sure?" Noin managed, not really knowing if she should argue with a giant metal edge. Quatre walked his Gundam into the hangar and parked it next to the toaster which was already there. Trowa did the same. The two boys then jumped out of their Gundams and dashed for the door.

"Bye, Miss!" said Quatre, waving as he left. "Thanks for taking them!"

Noin stood for a moment, dumbfounded. Those were two more of the elusive Gundams! And they had just conveniently fallen into her hands. She turned around and looked up at the massive toaster, can opener, and beater that she had inadvertently acquired.

She didn't have much more time to think, when loud thumping was once again heard outside. She turned to the door again, as Une, in her sink Gundam, came floating in, dragging a giant blender behind it.

"Good afternoon, Lieutenant Noin," said Une coldly. "I have captured this Gundam for His Excellency, and need a place to store it until he can figure out what to do with it. You will look after it, I'm sure." Noin could only nod weakly. "Good. I leave it in your hands."

And, with that, Noin had suddenly acquired another Gundam. However, still no Salad Shooter. Perhaps Zechs had managed to capture it and would be bringing it back any moment. So she waited.

And waited.

And waited....

And realized that she wasn't going to get any more additions to her collection today. She turned around and examined the Gundams before her. Salad or no salad, a potluck was a potluck. And if SHE couldn't bring salad, she'd just have to devise something else, with or without Zechs. And so, with her new array of cooking equipment, she got to work.

* * *

Heero sighed wearily. That stock footage battle had taken a lot out of him, and it was all completely pointless. He needed some Julian fries to cheer him up. He would return to his altar in the forest, and everything would be peachy.

However, he had to GET there first. While he was busy contemplating just how many fries he could stuff his face with, a blast of fire erupted from behind him. He whirled around and saw the biggest grill he had ever seen standing with its burner ready.

"So, Salad Shooter, I have finally found you!" proclaimed Zechs. "You don't know how long I've waited for this..."

Heero smirked. This setup had "Important Final Battle" written all over it. It would make up for that pointless stock footage battle earlier. "Well, then," said Heero, "prepared to meet your doom, grill! I have places to go and fries to eat, so I'll finish you quickly!"

"Well, I have my own plans for you," said Zechs. "We'll see who the victor is."

And thus the climactic battle began.

The two charged each other, Salad Shooter brandishing its blades for dicing, Charmeat brandishing tongs. But Salad Shooter jumped in the air and sliced apart the tongs easily.

"Curse you!" shouted Zechs. "Try this on for size!" He then pulled out his shish kebob spears! He lunged forward with them and jammed one of them into Salad Shooter's spout, rendering it useless.

"Blast you!" cursed Heero. "I'll destroy you for that!"

Zechs waved his shish kebob mockingly. "Slipping back into cut dialogue, are we? Well, I don't give a DAMN!" he stated, proud that he could use such a word.

And thus, there was a magnificent battle sequence, which incorporated the latest in computer animation and digital painting. But since this is just words on paper, and doesn't do the scene justice, I won't bother to get into it. You'll just have to visualize the awesome fight between the grill and the salad shooter yourself.

Thus, whatever happened during those two minutes ended in a stalemate, with both Gundams sustaining heavy damage. Heero stood on one side, panting, while Zechs was on the other, in the same situation.

Heero reached down to the console and fingered a big red button that said "Do Not Push". The self-destruct mechanism, no doubt. Well, he wasn't quite ready for that. Not when he still had an ace up his sleeve. Oh yes. THIS would be an attack not to be missed. He had rigged up Salad Shooter for just such an event as being attacked by a giant grill. THIS attack was all pre-programmed, and could be implemented by pushing a big blue button that said "Do Push".

Heero snickered evilly. "He'll never know what hit him..." He began laughing maniacally and brought his finger down on the button.

But, alas, all that grease from the Julian fries had made his hands slippery, and he watched in despair (and in slow-motion) as his finger slipped off the blue button, and pressed down the red one instead. His eyes went wide as he suddenly remembered Duo saying, "One day you'll learn the hard way that this fry obsession is ruining you." This.... this was... he knew all along! Curse that Duo for being right!

However, this memory only lasted a split second as he felt the Gundam begin to explode around him. "OH SH--!" Er, even though this is uncut, that line's probably still a tad inappropriate.

And Salad Shooter was blown to smithereens.

Zechs watched this spectacle and smacked his forehead in disbelief. "No! A secret self-destruct tactic! Curse that Gundam pilot!" He buried his face in the control console. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

There was a beep, and a friendly computer voice stated, "Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This Gundam will explode momentarily. Have a nice day."

Zechs lifted his head up and noted that he had just smacked his head down on the self-destruct button. What a convenient place to put it.

"Oh sh--" Er, sorry, Zechs, you're not allowed to say that, either.

And so, Charmeat followed Salad Shooter's example and blew itself to smithereens.

* * *

The next day, the OZ potluck was finally held. Every soldier in the OZ organization attended, each bringing his own dish to share. Treize was there as well, but was attempting to be discreet. His recent television appearances had been less that flattering, and he didn't want anyone commenting on his being represented as a puppet.

Just then, Zechs came hobbling in, covered in band-aids and leaning on a stick. "I... failed..." he muttered, then passed out on the ground. No one really paid attention to him.

A shadow appeared over him. Zechs looked up and saw Noin standing over him, smiling. "I hope you've learned your lesson," she said.

"You're right, Noin, I shouldn't have obsessed," he confessed. "But Operation Crouton was a failure..."

"Not quite," said Noin. "I was assuming you'd come to your senses sooner or later, so made something for both of us to bring."

Zechs jumped up. "You did?! Noin, you're the best! So, what did you make?"

Noin indicated a GIANT bowl sitting behind her. "10,000 gallons of pudding, thanks to Gundam Frappe." She then pointed to another large bowl. "15,000 gallons of soup, thanks to Gundam Cutlid." Then to a 30-foot cake. "A 30-foot tall chocolate cake, thanks to Gundam Cakemix. And finally," she indicated a giant plate, "5,000 toaster pastries, courtesy of Gundam Scorchbread."

Zechs eyed the ridiculous amounts of food before him and promptly passed out.

Thus, the OZ potluck was a success, and, needless to say, no one went home hungry. They were eating leftovers for the next few years.

And Une got stuck with the dishes.

* * *

The other Gundam pilots, minus Heero, had converged at Al's Mobile Suit Body Shop, with their Gundams waiting for them, good as new. Each realized that his Gundam really had no replacement, and that they should take better care of them.

A few hours later, Heero came limping up to the shop, covered in band-aids, and leaning on a stick. He looked up and noticed that all the other pilots were lounging around and eating brownies.

"Hey, Heero," said Duo. "Glad you could finally make it. You're Gundam's done being tuned up, so it's ready to go whenever you are."

Heero nodded. "You were right, Duo. I was wrong to obsess like that," he confessed. "I will never obsess over Julian fries again. They caused my defeat in the end."

Duo nodded. "Anyway, have a brownie," he said, offering Heero one. Heero gladly accepted and ate it quickly. He blinked in surprise.

"Wow, these are good brownies, Duo. Where'd you get them?"

Duo smiled smugly and pointed up. There was Deathscythe, decked out in a pink apron and holding a Gundam-sized pan of brownies. "I TOLD you Deathscythe could cook."

"Yeah, whatever," said Heero. "Just gimmie another brownie."

Thus, the five pilots ate brownies well into the night until they couldn't hold any more.

"Ughh," groaned Quatre, "I'm stuffed. I could sure go for something to drink right about now."

"Hey, no problem," said Duo. "We can all just go over to my place."

So they all went to the Maxwell house for coffee.

* * *

**THE END**  
(about time ^_^*)


End file.
